Attached – Reader Question 2: What about Anxious-Anxious Relationships: Tell Me More About Those
We get asked a lot about the Anxious-Anxious relationship, which isn’t covered in ATTACHED:
What happens a lot of times is that both sides want to be very close, which is good. The only problem is that both are very sensitive, get overwhelmed easily by things that happen in the relationship and are not great communicators. Usually what this means is that when things are good they’re pretty good, but misunderstandings and fights can be terrible: Both get caught up in feeling rejected or slighted and find it hard to step out of themselves and take care of their partner’s hurt. They then often find it hard to get over it and move on. Also, both sides need to adopt the principles of secure base: Be available, encouraging (usually that’s not a problem) but also, non-interfering.
A word about the non interference part
We like to explain the non interference component by giving an example of a mother with her child in a room full of toys. If she tells him how to play each and every step of the way, “don’t do this, do that”, it shuts the child down. If she engages with him in play and/or lets him play his own way, the child flourishes. It’s very similar in adults. Either engage in “play” or let them explore on their own, but don’t “sit on top of them”.
1 Comment » | Posted by Rachel Heller on 01.27.2011
Tell us more about what you all mean by non interference. I feel it is still unclear how to do this in a relationship. Specific examples please. Thank you thank you for this book (life changer!) and for answering this question about anxious anxious relationships I would love to hear more about them if you ever get a chance to blogging on the topic again!